Quiet outsider

[Kattanaita]

"Please don't leave me brother, I'm hurting. In the last whisper of the candle's glow lies my last wish."

That's the last line of the last story I'll ever write. Tough decisions have to be made in life every now and then, and this is a pretty big one. I am giving up on my career as a writer. So far, I haven't sold over 100 copies, but my debts are over R$100k which is more than I can ever expect to make in my entire life if I keep teaching English classes.

Life's been pretty shitty for me. In darker times before I "worked" as rental sexu slave in exchange for a little money, and that was how I got by. The guy I served was pretty happy with my services, as I am a good 'employee' and he showed interest in buying me. For a long time I thought that was plain nonsense, but not so anymore. It sounds like a good way out of debt - and of responsibility too. I guess there is some sort of relief in the thought that I am forced to do something even though I don't like it because I am under someone's orders. Sometimes we just want to be led by the tide. It makes it all the more comfortable too, because there will be shame and mockery, but it will be well deserved because, in a hierachical sense, I will be in a lower position than any other individual. It's easy to accept mediocrity that way.

What concerns me is that this is for life. I'll be free again if my owner dies, but I am not quite sure I want to live that long. It just makes me wonder. Does it all have to do with luck, after all? It's absurd. Perhaps some people are just destined, in a way, somehow, to be mediocre. And these are the ones that truly hold the sparkle of a subtle love, to be swalloed by the darkness in every other creature's hearts.

That, or suicide. What would you choose? Keep trying is not an option; we have already drowned in the high tide.

[Iscin]

Hmm sounds to me like you are having a bad time. I'd suggest simply finding a good job and writing on the sideline, your mistake I think was depending too much on your writing skills for a living and did you also pay for publishing? I would never do that, a good publisher recognises something good and does that for the author haha. Most importantly though if writing is your dream then don't give up on it, you may need to put it on hold for a little while or just tone down your efforts a little which could be beneficial, gives the mind more time to work out story ideas and the like. You're only 24 dude, you have PLENTY of time left to achieve your ambitions just don't rush it and then feel depressed when you don't get far at such an early stage. Anyway that is all the advice I think of to offer, hope you the best :).
-Iscin